All the Love in your heart.

Written years ago.

THIS little rumination is meant to friends who asked for my thoughts in regards the subject of love gained and love lost—as though I am a shrink or Dr Phil. Well, I am not—I just write silly love poems, that's all, LOL!  

       When two people break up, many times we hear one accuses the other of being a loony or crazy or “not well” (schizophrenic, bipolar, passive-aggressive etc etc), and vice versa. Of course. Let it rip, for the time being—that is frustration, disappointment. But when the smoke has cleared—try to understand that there are two people that got entangled in such a bittersweet mess, not just one. So when either starts pointing fingers, we say, oh well... 

       That is the hard part—how to get up from the accusations, harsh condemnations, and still believe that you are still significant, beautiful, and worthy to love and be loved. If you are deeply affected by his/her vitriols just because the relationship didn't work, then you remain a broken person, a failure, a piece of trash... Which you are not, unless you are committed to mental asylum after the fact upon diagnosis. But maybe you are a beautiful human being within, it's just that the perceived chemistry or attempted synergy didn't work. 

       Humans are a bunch of expostulating atoms, unpredictable hormones and hot/cold body fluids—at the same time, we are a set of sensibility and sensitivity that act and react to given situations and circumstances. Relationships are not easy... That active atom, that innate ability to love can always find its fit when it fails—you can still find a parallel wavelength and aligned energy. Don't give up... Situations didn't work out, situations that many ignore or downplay in favor of the blades and missiles hurled as both vainly try to survive a gasping relationship. When you lose this one, move on—don't listen to whatever is hurled by a finished relationship. It's over. 

       If you believe you have beauty in your heart, then let it be open—one way or the other one will enter again. Or maybe there's someone out there that you may have ignored because you were so busy exploring what you thought was the real thing... Let love heal, don't let human foible open wounds. Heal with the next shudder in your chest, don't break. Meantime, be happy, while alone. I recommend, cook yourself a nice paella, uncork a chardonnay, and go check out Netflix. Spring is here. ☮️☯️☮️

MY Morning Thoughts. From Past Facebook Posts.

I only frequented one bar in Asheville. Westville Pub. I’d play pool there or sat in far deep corner with my laptop, writing. I knew the founding owners and I organized shows there as well. Then a shooting occurred few months ago. First time! Before that night, I seldom go out anymore though. Honestly, I am more concerned with the spike of crime in the city than the fear of catching Covid-19. But I am still here because any place on earth is as good, and bad, as any. 🎱💻⏰

When Facebook shut down, a quiet panic ensued. A daily ritual suddenly went pfft! Then I thought, what if the entire internet is cut? I couldn’t even watch a Netflix series. In fact, TV also pauses because it’s part of the server plan. Then it was time to read a book, spin some vinyl, and watch DVDs. Check flowers and veggies in the garden. And then what if all we have are old books? Then I will go back in time and stay a recluse in that “haunted” house and read books.☎️💽📺

Pickled Bologna. Given by a friend, native of Kentucky. I haven’t tried it yet. I am an”adventurous” eater although I was an on/off vegetarian for 12 years before I gave up in middle of 1990s. Food is an effective way to interface cultures. And I used food/cooking a lot to introduce myself with new friends and communities. I eat what they offer; and the I present what I can. Some people get “offended” when their food is refused. I understand. 🍴😋🍴

Lest I’d be boxed as a populist conservative, I favor community traditions. Seek a changing society? Go to big cities. That’s what seekers do as they leave their small town. I decided to live here in Asheville after 9/11 though I have been visiting since 1999 from New York City. Cool! I love local culture. I organized events and published a newspaper. Then transplants from mostly big cities moved in and changed Asheville. But the beautiful colors of the mountain stay. 🏕🍁🚧

Arrow’s “pull it!” Her favorite game. Her favorite hobby is draining stuffed toys out of innards (cotton insides) till they are “finished,” then she collects them in a box. Sometimes I wonder, what’d be in dogs and cats’ mind? Do they think about us, humans? For sure, they “feel” because their level of action/reaction adjusts in so many ways with ours. In my case, my reflex and response follow their beat. They trained me pretty good, I guess. 🐕🙂🐈

Halloween candy madness is over. Time to visit the dentist to clean kids’ mouth and teeth. My grandsons Keian and Kaiden, kids of my eldest Daphne and Keith; they live in Ohio. Children’s world isn’t adult’s world. Let them frolic, have fun. No need to intellectualize every little thingy in life. What matters is attention and love. Governments, schools, church, media etcetera assist but it is parenthood that matters the most in a child’s life. 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦💓👨‍👩‍👦‍👦

Beyond the fancy glare of electronic baubles. We see a universe of expostulating earthlings. And we realize we don’t really want to see most, or all, of us. One-click "knowing" is not good. Let the mysteries be for the seeking. The quest is what makes life a majickal adventure. “Life” in the backyard: Angel child beside the greenery. Strange “cactus?” sticking out of a tree stump. These offer calm and peace more than the whiny drama of 7 billion insatiable humanity. 🦋🍁🐓

Made in India. India is the U.S.’ manufacturing fallback in case China doesn’t break. China, India, and Mexico are Top 3 in providing us consumer products. Ease of tariff over more Chinese purchase of U.S. products was agreed in the Jan 2020 U.S./China trade pact, as cure to the 2000 deal. But this side of 1 Percent don’t concur. So India is it. Yet gut issue is: Made in China, India, Mexico, or the U.S. You buy or you don’t. The rest is just political caterwaul. 👜💸👟

Halloween. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Valentine’s. Etc etcetera. Tradition. Culture. Fun. Life. We don’t have to overthink, intellectualize, or politicize all these—just to magnify that you are more aware than those who don’t belong with your moral plane or correctness trip. Consumerism? Everyday, it’s consumer time. So that’d be primal common sense. So chill. If you don’t want to abide, don’t. Close your door tonight when trick `n treaters come knockin’. The cat will entertain them and give away Reese’s. 👹👺🤡

Even before Covid-19 hit last year, I already decided to push my reclusiveness deeper. So that’d mean, I am mostly with two dogs and a cat. We in the house usually mind our own business, so to say, and chat only when needed. We don’t waste time on stuff like political banter. So I talk more with Arrow, Riley, and Cyd. They do get my English despite the accent. And I do hear them. And we don’t talk about politics either. 🐕🗣🐈

Life Evolves.

Written Years Ago.

LIFE does evolve. It is not about us oldies anymore. It's about the future of the young. Remember the days? A 17-year old hotshot smartass slugging out my dad's admonitions or grandma's reprimands: “I've been there and back! Listen to me, young man!” Well, I probably “listened” but off the “annoying” words exiting off my left ear soon after I stepped out of the house. Now, my own kids have grown and one is now a parent (so I am a grandpa). 

       Now I talk like my dad. To my artist/filmmaker son: “I know art shouldn't be sold like a material bauble, but you gotta earn to pay bills, son.” To Law student daughter: “Rest up sometime, please. You can't  solve all problems posed afront you. Relax.” To my middle daughter, a parent: “Yes, you have two kids at 23 but life isn't over yet. Dreams don't die. But kids are blessings.” 

       I heard those words over and over and over again in the past—from mom, dad, grandpa, grandma, aunt, uncle, mentors, and elderly who cared and loved me deeply although I always defined their generosity with the tone of their exasperated voice or pummeling ebb of their sentiment whenever they said those reminders. Perhaps, I allowed my youthful impatience to cloud the beauty of their heart. I listened alright but did I feel—beyond the harsh words and frustrated tears? I can only shake and bow my head in apology... 

       Ah, the “cool” ones that I preferred to hang out with, soft voices and nice lessons, those who seldom disagreed, they were so “cool.” Yet they left when the tempest started shakin' and breakin'. And those that are left to bear with my flaws and faults, indiscretions and imperfections—are those whose words I now channel through my own “admonitions” and “reprimands” to my children. ☮️❤️‍🩹☮️

“Love Gained, Love Lost, Loving and Leaving.”

Written, years ago.

IN the past few weeks, I've been kind of talking or helping out three longtime friends who've been painstakingly laboring over their respective relationships/marriages. Two are married, one is single (or supposedly “engaged”). Sadly, in almost stunning coincidence—all of them finally broke up this week. I didn't know if my words did matter but I tried to objectify situations and stuff. Yet I know whatever I said were simply buffers or respites from the turmoil. They decided because they had to.

   

       A relationship, despite the glowing promises of the courtship/honeymoon phase, is not a picnic by a serene beach. Mostly (due to physical realities beyond the “I love you”) it is a raft jaunt amidst a turbulent sea or a rollercoaster ride that refuses to stop. Yet that magical glue called love keeps two together and consign all the challenges and hardships to the backburner. Love will find a way. There could be nine staggering “dealbreakers” in a relationship—more than enough reasons to end it, yet that one item, LOVE, negates everything.

       That's the case with my friends. Or in my case, as well—not just faults and wrongdoings by my ex but also mine. Yet some are able to soldier on and survive the darkness, no matter how overwhelming they were, and celebrate their 20th or 30th, 50th wedding anniversaries. Some don't. 

       So when people finally broke up and ended it, that is the time—after few days of reflections and ruminations—that they'd say and realize that they couldn't stand her/his ways and lifestyle, mode of thinking and general attitude anyway. And love wasn't strong enough to find a way. Reason and smart-sense set in. Time to regroup and replan... And move on.

       Moving on is only possible in humility and surrender though. The ability to accept that a failed relationship was a two-person accountability. There is no sense pointing fingers that it's all her/his fault why it didn't work out.    

       People's reflex and response, I believe, is ushered by the situation and circumstances in and around. And that situation/circumstance is the relationship. A partner could either make a person a better individual or the worst that he/she could be. If it failed, it's because the relationship failed—not the person per se. It's a two-person teamwork. 

       So we move on with the hope that the other person enters a new world where she/he can improve on things that needed it, realize potentials, pursue delayed plans, achieve dreams—and maybe find another partner that could really add real meaning to the word, synergy or compromise/negotiation. We move on with the hope as well that we realize the same positive, pro-active and output oriented life, and love. Worse that could happen is—for one or both to self-destruct after the breakup.

       Bottomline, life doesn't end after a breakup or divorce. It is just a shake up leading to a new beginning. ☮️💖☯️

Living with cats and dogs.

Facebook Homepage Chat Response.   

IN the last 13+ years of my life since I started living with dogs and cat/s (never did) I somehow learned how to coexist with them. In fact, more than how I vainly tried to coexist with humans (or a relationship, LOL!). Dogs are no brainers, of course. But cats are different creatures. 

       Cyd (a.k.a. Elle Cyd The Koolcat, who passed away of old age in my arms last year) never liked any other living thing but she was never adversarial or combative. She simply preferred to be left alone. No one dared to touch her but she slept on my bed, cuddled up. Cyd was indoor/outdoor cat. I met her here when she was young but not very young. We just evolved as friends. She simply cozied up to me though I don't really "pet" animals like how others do. I just feed them and yes I talk to them. Cyd never scratched me. Not once. 

       We now have two cats and a dog. These two cats Ching and Fizz are sisters. We adopted them from Brother Wolf as little kittens. They have contrasting attitudes or demeanors. Ching is friendly with everyone and constantly flirts for a back/body rub. She plays a lot. Fizz prefers to be alone and simply watches activity in the house. Both cats are indoor or I wanted them to be indoor. These cats haven't had arguments with the dog/s or us though. They sleep in my bedroom. And when I take an afternoon nap, they come with me or they follow me wherever I go (like Cyd who "worked" with me in the yard and walked with the dogs and me). 

       I guess, these cats reflect me, my own sensitivity and sensibility. We just coexist. I also want to be left alone without saying it in a dramatic manner. I don't want to be forced to be "friendly," I just want friendship to evolve. 

       But cats are interesting creatures. Sometimes they can be mean and “harmful.” But, I guess, I have time and patience to "tame" cats. Like the little prince and the fox. LOL! Letting a cat go because he/she tends to be viciously unfriendly is sad. And it will also be sad for the cat as well. There were two other cats that I spent time with in the past, from two separate relationships. A week or so after we broke up and gone, for some reason they passed away. 

       Cats need love because we "taught" them human love though they are naturally feral or wanderers, alone. But we need to exert extra TLC or tender loving care to make them feel wanted or belonged. 🐈🥰🐕

My Morning Thoughts Compilation.

“Coolness” online: Drinking is fine if it is wine, not whiskey. Weed is awesome. Breaking rules means you are kickass. Christianity is the root of all evil. Unity in diversity if it conforms with my prejudice. I am rude because I am depressed. Blame China for consumerism. Blame Russia for high cost of gasoline. Blame Trump for the bad-hair day. Blame mom and dad for our failures. Blame the other political party for Mercury Retrograde. Agree with me or I will unfriend you. 🙂🤨😒

News: “This 8-Year-Old Boy Became the Youngest Person to Ascend El Capitan.” Are we obsessed with (world) records! NBA: First to record a triple-double by a non-American before he reaches age of 20 who is single and a Catholic. Cinema: First woman of color who wins an Oscar who is not from the U.S. before she reaches age of (alcohol) drinking. My record: First Asian man who wore double-layer pairs of socks from age 7 to 109. Makes us feel good, I guess. 🧐🤓😎

A smiley “How are you?” from a stranger is a sweet American culture. Back home in the Philippines, it is inappropriate to greet anyone, lest a woman, that you are not formally introduced to. Here, humanity is so friendly. Or maybe social media is different? I seldom greet “friends” via IM anymore because I usually get ignored. I don’t know why. Honestly, I just want to say hello to someone that I knew then but haven’t seen in years. Will never try again, sorry. LOL! 🙂🤨😒

I think some people are getting mentally disturbed because of Trump. Because of their hatred for Trump. All they see is Trump. They parallel anything that they dislike with Trump. All they post are Trump. One day there will be a psychological disorder named after Trump and meds named after Trump. Of course, Trump will charge royalty for use of his name and likelihood. A pill that is shaped like Trump's face or hairdo. I don't think Big Pharma will mind. It's profit. 😒😏💊

A huge contradiction in life these days: Many are so unrealistically “careful” not to hurt feelings. And so when voices are raised in a workplace setting or sports team huddle, or an “inappropriate” term emerges on your FB post or a known person said a harsh word—they are cancelled outright, lose their job, and shamed no end in Social Media. Yet the “ordinary” language that are said here are cuss words and rude remarks. We police words but not attitudes. 🗣👥🤨

Some of the awesome dog/cat Facebook “Reels” are not showing on my Page as frequent as they used to. No problem, I can find them. But I also get nostalgic cool “Groups” from my native Philippines. “Baul ni Juan” is about old movies. Fun titles like “Kumander Mameng,” “Hayok,” and “Kulog at Kidlat.” Basketball of the 1960s to 1980s. And “Kusinela,” cooking videos, old-school on firewood and outdoors. How I wish I’d be transported back in time. 👍🤝👍

Notice some of the movies/TV series these days have annoying dark or dim lighting? They say it is a “lighting technique,” a metaphor. Example: Woman brushes teeth, family dines, man buys cigarettes in a corner store on daytime, board meeting etcetera. Underexposed scenes make us miss important stuff. “Shot on green screen and rear projection,” whatever. Some say dark lighting has become a bit of a lost art. “Lost art,” they say? That’s “artistic masturbation” to me. 😠🎥😡

Social Media has popularized and glamourized invectives—cussing and cursing—that even those people (old as me) who didn’t spit out bad words unless intensely provoked, toss `em here like “f#@!k!” is obligatory in their daily language. A young person here even snarled at me: “How’d you know a word is a cuss word or not?!?” Many don’t know anymore, I guess. It’s just how they talk. Most likely, they'd ask a barista: "Can I have a fu##!!ing latte, dude?” I reckon. 🤨🗣👥

My accent gets me in awkward situations, or trouble. While living in Las Vegas, I was asked “Where you goin’, man?” / “I am going to look for a cheap slot and play!” (I didn’t mean “slut,” uh huh). In Los Angeles, “What do you think about Southern California?” / “I like the beaches…” (It sure came out as “bitches,” I guess). I once had a German friend in New York City named Gunter. For sure, I never yelled at him “Gunt!” after that weird incident on a crowded E train. 😅😂🤣

Our idiosyncrasies. Or a mode of peculiar behavior. Traits that can be weird or crazy without meaning to be part of the fringes or unordinary, because those seem “cool,” uh huh. Few of my “unnaturals,” aside from my OCD fix: I recycle my coffee. I brew a pot that I consume for a week, microwaving a cup each wake-up time. I wear two layers of socks, 24/7. I meticulously draft/file or organize my Facebook posts before I post them. Seldom I post on impulse. 🧐🤓😎

All These Words, After All These Years.

FOR some deeply personal reasons, I left almost all of my work back home in the Philippines when I flew to New York City on my 38th birthday in 1998. Poems, fiction, essays, newspaper/magazine articles and reviews/criticism and column pieces, TV scripts and sequence treatments, stage plays, grant project drafts, screenplays and storyboards, drawings and illustrations, ad copies and thoughts, art photography, paintings (acrylic and mixed media), publications that I edited/published, organizational brainstorms, comics and graphic novel sketchbooks, political platform germs, songs and lyrics, letters and correspondences, community program proposals designed for legislation, book ideas etc. Boxes and folders of manuscripts, notebooks, wads of bond papers. Mostly written in English although some of my literary output were in Filipino/Tagalog language (a few in Spanish and Ilocano provincial dialect). 

       I started writing by the time I stepped in First Grade and professionally writing as newspaper reporter at age 14. Then, it was non-stop. When I eventually decided to settle here in the US when I “discovered” Asheville (North Carolina) few years later, I never made an effort to retrieve my past work—I simply continued churning out more words and (creative) work.

       My past bodies of work (before I "crashlanded" in America) were distributed among friends and ex-relationships, family house closets, file cabinets of organizations that I belonged, media offices, friends in the countryside, even random people that I met while working as journalist, community organizer, concert producer, traveling cultural worker/researcher and artist/musician. Those were the “unplugged/unwired” years. There were IBM computers, floppy discs and tape recorders and 16mm and 35mm movie cameras—but saving or stocking up work in several devices wasn't a general psyche. It's all hard copies and master tapes. Also, I wasn't very conscious about filing up my work or my mind was so busy creating more work and heeding 3 or 4 “day jobs” and loads of community and/or activism commitments so that a consistent, sustained file system didn't have room in my busy, erratic, gungho, cramped up head... 😉✍🙃

A GOOD friend from my theater days in Manila, Joey B., mentioned that he kept a copy of my one-act play, “Maputla ang Ulap sa Laot” (“Clouds are Pale Out in the Sea”). I am sure it was about life in tiny fishing villages where I spent time as writer/researcher and grassroots communications teacher when I was in my early 20s or late-teens. A French friend maintains that I left in her care a crate of writings—handwritten and typed (on typewriter) or printed via those “ancient” noisy IBM machines. She reminded me that she has a copy of a  collection of poems, “The Rainbow is Bleeding," plus an anthology of essays with an intriguing title, “Not Valid for Public Consumption, and other words that I shouldn't have said or written.” 

       Some friends (and ex'es), who are scattered all over the globe, also informed me that I left them notebooks of doodles and/or verses, sheaves of handwritten words on loose bond papers and musty notebooks, prose on personalized cards, lead sheets on music pads, paintings (acrylic and ink), cassette tapes of demos, words and words on fancy scrapbooks  etc etcetera. I also had this practice of writing a few words (poetry, prose) on whatever piece of paper that I could grab and then handing it to whoever was around for keepsake, like a gift. I am glad that some of those beautiful people kept some of those little yarns... I write everyday like it's breathing—I produce work like it's all I do, if I don't do it, I die. 

       So from NYC/summer of 1998 to this very moment, you could imagine the volume of hard copies and megabytes of computer space juices and dirt that I already produced or accumulated—out of my crazy, crazy mind. 

       I am a poor fellow at age 55 with five grown-up kids treading their own paths. I am not sure if I'd be able to leave my kids something on the line of inheritance or trust, in the form of bank accounts and properties/assets—although I am still trying. Maybe a grandfather actually left me a cattle farm somewhere in the Pacific, LOL! Anyhow, all I got are my work. Work that hopefully will amount to many books, movies, projects, stuff and whatever they could be used for. 😉✍🙃

MEANTIME, I just want to keep on writing and writing and writing--whether these get published or not. Years ago, I used to pursue most of these while sharing ideas with colleagues, friends and strangers—in small inner city cafes and barrio farm fields or oceansides, or workers picketlines, commuter bus, terminals. My writing process was always part of my steady, sustained interaction with people. 

       Sadly, I don't have that “luxury” anymore, around my circumstances and situation in the US. We are inside this little gizmo called computers and fiddling around in social media circles. I wish it is easy these days to just sit down and discuss a screenplay's progression or a poem's birthing from a coffeecup without sounding rude, condescending, politically-incorrect, provocateur, or just talky and boring. Every word that comes out of our mouths is a target for a kind of in-depth scrutiny for its sense or sensitivity, although this reflex and response happen at a quicksilver pace. Confused. Attached yet detached; connected yet disconnected. 😉✍🙃

I ALWAYS say that it was easier to write and create before because it was easier to be human and alive in those days, almost instinctive—no matter how physically unpleasing or mentally/emotionally harsh the times when I produced volumes of work. More importantly, it was easier to be recognized or validated and confirmed with whatever I wrote—the work is right there on their hands. 

       These days, I can write 15 poems in 3 days, but once I saved that on my hard drive, it's almost forgotten since more words are going to inhabit and crowd my hard drive and thumb drives, anyway, in the next 12 hours--all funneled in the internet well. One post is a blink because I will be posting more in the next minute. But then many years ago, as I loosely and nonchalantly handed out my work to people, or left them somewhere, they kept and treasured them. 

       Hence, my soul is saved, my spirit exists. No Apple app or the most expensive computer gadget could ever do that. The surest depository or undying bank of human thoughts is the human heart. It never forgets. That is the only way how to live forever as a writer--or as a human being. 😉✍🙃