Previously posted on my Facebook page. Or written years ago, unedited/not updated.
APOLOGIES for hyperventilating. This pollen allergy could be the most irksome physical aggravation (ailment?) that I ever had since my hospital visits in Manila in 1995 and New Jersey in 2000. I'd rather muster a bad flu than this irritation. I couldn't really sleep and I had to contain my asthma almost every 20 minutes (thanks to the nebulizer!) To make this more depressing, my fantastical superhero/superhomey pretensions are now crumbling to pieces that I'm even misunderstood or some people don't really believe that I am this “sick.” It's not like I am about to die—but it also doesn't mean that I have both physical and mental energy to go out at all.
Days ago, I thought I was fine—so I accompanied Cindyrella to some errands (mostly I was in the car). But when I tried to walk inside the store, my faulty breathing scared me. Days ago, when I refused to see some friends to hang out, some thought I was making an alibi or “acting like a douchebag.” That it was my usual aloofness and indifference in meeting people. Not that, please.
I MUST admit however that irrelevant of this allergy, I've cut my so-called social life a considerable lot. Those who know me are aware of how insanely relentless my community activities were (whether it was in the Philippines or in the US). I led a life that seemed to run between rains, a bullet train on hyperkick (sic). Hence the twin near-death trips to the ER (mentioned above) weren't so surprising. Those were all wear-and-tear exhaustion that I ignored or neglected till it almost put me away.
These days, it's more age catching up on me. Man, I will be 56 in July! I might as well be 96. I am mentally tired and physically exhausted—yet I still got huge energy to focus inward. Write. Create art. Teach. Read. Enjoy family. I still do travel for “non-partying” leisure and to read in support of my book/s and come out to see a good show or have dinner with few close friends—but I am not The Madman anymore who used to supervise two club shows a week, two all-day park concerts a month, edit and layout a fortnightly newspaper, travel to New York and Baltimore monthly, perform almost weekly for years. I don't know. But I tend to plan out my (outside) energy and time more these days. I enjoy reconnecting with longtime friends and talking with family on Facebook. I also got more than two dozens of TV series and shows to follow, LOL! Honestly though, being with friends and family albeit online keeps my peace and quiet realizable, pacifies my homesickness funk.
MEANTIME, I don't enjoy listening to advocacies and rants and ruminations anymore, philosophies and spiritualities that I sought out in four continents and many big city lights and small town barns and bars. It's not like I am ahead of others or I already “knew” too much. Not that. I just feel like I imbibed so much of life and the world that the only way to loosen up and calm down is to write them or translate all these into a more subdued flow (like being at home with the babedawg and koolcat or cooking for friends, gardening and doing housework, teaching younger people what I know about writing etc).
Yet still I can say, I really don't know when my chakras will run berserk again. I had a self-imposed two-year hibernation, dividing my time between Candler NC and Athens GA, hoping that I could easy-down my fire and churn out a number of writing projects. I did yet I am still struggling to focus (yes and no thanks to Facebook distraction!)
As I said, I don't know. Those barbecue invites and gig hellos and partytime hugs will have to wait. For now, I gotta deal with this awful pollen (allergy) onslaught in my system. But I hope that some friends and relations will understand. This is not an alibi and I am not being a douchebag (I do hate that word). I am just indisposed as hell. Allergy is such a bitch! 🥹🙃😉
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